Searched and Known

Bilateral total knee arthroplasty. In a huge corner hospital room on the 6th floor, an orthopedic surgeon explained why I would need these procedures sometime in the near-ish future. But to buy us some time, because of my age, we could try an intervention called subchondroplasty. During this procedure, the surgeon is guided by fluoroscopy and injects a bone substitute into the subchondral bone.[1] The surgery aims to strengthen the bone and slow down possible cartilage damage. Just days into my Avascular Necrosis diagnosis, we leaned heavily on Dr. MG’s recommendations and agreed to the procedure. While we now joke about it as a catastrophic calamity of apocalyptic proportions, let’s just say, at the moment, there was nothing funny about it! It was the first time I experienced uncontrolled 12 out of 10 pain for hours. I beat my fists against the bed rails to distract myself from the searing pain in my knees. I screamed into a pillow and cried. I begged nurses and doctors to help me somehow! I encountered my first physician and staff who lacked the empathy to advocate for pain control post-operation. Those days of recovery were brutal. And sadly, in the end, the procedure was unsuccessful. So this left me again waiting for a knee replacement. But few orthopedic surgeons were willing to consider such an invasive procedure on someone so young – and someone who had wonderfully healthy cartilage. Other medical issues also played into the delay. (For that story, I would need a few hundred thousand words. So, for this blog, we’ll say I’ve waited for over five years.) I’ve waited for a replacement while dealing with life-altering, constant chronic pain as my bone decayed from lack of blood supply.

Finally, the long-awaited surgery date arrived. My father and I drove 7 hours to Mayo Clinic Hospital in Jacksonville, Florida. The day before, we went from building to building of the southern Mayo Campus, completing pre-op testing. Each Mayo employee we encountered provided what can only be described as “Mayo Care,” as they looked at me as a person, not just a patient. On the day of surgery, we arrived at the Hospital, prayed, and said, “See ya later.” I was led through the “authorized personnel only” doors to pre-op holding. My nerves were high. But there was also excitement that I was finally getting the treatment to eliminate the pain in this joint.

When I awoke from the operation, my legs were still numb from the spinal block used by anesthesia. Blissfully numb! As the spinal block began to wear off, a nerve block was placed, and, similar to a PCA, I could press for additional anesthetic every hour. However, due to the years of required prescription opioid medication, I am highly tolerant. By the second day, I was in severe pain. Once again, with tears running down my face and instrumental hymns filling the air space of my room, I began tapping and quoting Scripture.

(As a young teenager, my family memorized chapters of Scripture … some through song and some with motions. I can’t begin to thank my parents enough for challenging my siblings and me to hide chunks of His Word in our hearts. For my Senior bible requirement, I quoted Psalm 119 - all 176 verses - at graduation! Though that is a chapter I can’t quote from beginning to end now, it is still very familiar! But chapters like Psalm 1, Psalm 2, Psalm 23, Psalm 91, Psalm 139, Matthew 5, and others are still very fresh in my mind.)

But in that Mayo moment of harsh pain, the only chapter I could recall was Psalm 139. “O Lord, thou hast searched me, and known me. Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off. Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O Lord, thou knowest it altogether. Thou hast beset me behind and before and laid thine hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.…” Repeatedly, the words of David played in my mind. Nurses came and went. My knee was placed in different positions, trying to elevate the pain. I sobbed. I breathed the name “Yahweh” in and out. I attempted to stay focused enough to tap. And my head had Psalm 139 on constant replay. “O Lord thou hast searched me, and known me. Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off … Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it….”

Finally, the right person came through my door. She ordered new pain medication via IV and oral route. Within 20 minutes, a nurse was pushing meds into my port. While I knew it wouldn’t last forever, sweet relief flooded my body. I could feel my jaw begin to relax, the tension in my shoulders release, my blood pressure normalize, and my pain lighten. My eyes were still closed; I started again with Psalm 139 running through my mind. “O Lord thou hast searched me, and known me. Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off … Such knowledge is too wonderful for me…”

Later that night, the pain crisis over for the day, I pulled out my laptop to do some Hebrew word studies and research trusted commentaries. I had always wondered about the meaning of these verses. The first verses I always interpreted as God searching me for sin and knowing my deepest darkest secrets. And I slightly questioned why being “on trial” by the perfect God of heaven and earth was wonderful knowledge to David. I mean, am I grateful for a God who searches, points out my errors, and lovingly guides me to repentance? Yes. But it’s not always an enjoyable process! Not always a “wonderful knowledge!” So, I began digging into the Hebrew words “searched” and “known.” And what I discovered changed this Psalm for me forever!

The word “searched” can be translated as “to examine to expose weakness.” But it also means “to find out the sentiment of someone.” Or “to dig and explore as if searching for treasure.” Now that is something too wonderful for me! The God of heaven. The God of earth. Alpha and Omega. The God who sits on His throne and governs the entire world. That God! That God explores my heart to discover my sentiment - as if that sentiment is a treasure! Webster defines sentiment as “an attitude, thought, or judgment prompted by feeling” or “a specific view or notion” and “an idea colored by emotion.” Let that sink in just a little. The sentiment of my heart is what I think about life – emotions and all! To find out my sentiment takes time to discover. It takes wanting to know. Asking questions. Actively listening to my answers. Yes, I realize that God is omniscient.[2] He knows all past, present, and future. Yet, while knowing all, He still desires to take note of my heart! Of my sentiment. Wowser! This knowledge is indeed too wonderful for me!

So not only does our God search our heart to find our sentiment, as if searching for hidden treasure. But He also knows us. The Hebrew word for “known” carries the understanding of a familiar friend who cares and recognizes our hearts. It’s the meaning of knowing someone by experience. Mind blown! Phenomenal! A knowledge too high for me! The God who commands the whole world recognizes my heart. He acknowledges it from experience with it. I mean, there’s somewhat of a “duh factor” here. After all, He did create my heart. So, of course, He knows it from experience. But how often do I forget this?

So take a minute, my friend. Close your eyes. Set aside your phone. Turn off the TV and music. Breath in “God wants my emotions.” Breath out, “God recognizes my heart.” I am not simply a numbered piece of artwork to God. He desires an individual, customized relationship with me. With me! He wants my emotions. He searches the depths of my heart as I might search for treasure. Yes, He created me. He knows everything about me. Yet even with that being true, He continues to seek after me. He craves a bond, an alliance, and companionship with me. Me - the little peon of a person in the scope of the world. Yet God says, I want to know Sarah-Marie’s sentiments, emotions, thoughts, and thinking... I want it all. God searches my heart to know me completely! I can shout with David, “Remarkable! This knowledge is too wonderful for me!”

And that’s just from verse one! The more I explored that night, the more amazed I became. The more I understood why David said what he knew about God was too wonderful and too high for his brain to comprehend. How often do we forget how little we are and how big God is? But more than that, how often do we forget that we were made for a relationship? A relationship with that omniscient and omnipresent God!

How can being searched after and known by God change your commonplace thoughts? How can you set this truth on top of your biggest struggle and let its truth seep into the mess? How can this reality change life… in the blink of an eye?

Comment below or leave a message on our voicemail line - ‪(424) 26-BLINK. Let me know how being searched and known by our Lord makes a difference to you!

Until next time,

Sarah-Marie

[1] The subchondral bone is the layer of bone just under the cartilage surface. [2] The term "omniscient" comes from Latin roots, with "omni" meaning "all" and "scient" meaning "knowing."