Purposeful Intentionality

“O LORD, thou hast searched me, and known me. Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off. Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, thou knowest it altogether. Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.”

After three days of inpatient PT, I was discharged with a sore, stiff knee on June 16th! We loaded up in our SUV for the long 7-hour ride home, with the doctor’s instructions to stop often and walk. Iced up for the journey, Dad headed for I-10, driving across the panhandle of Florida and toward our Bama home. Thankfully, I was able to sleep much of the way. Though it sure made for a long solo drive for Dad.

One of our stops was a rest stop, where just a few months before, we had stopped when returning from my 2nd neurosurgery. I was in a full back brace and unrelenting pain. Dad had gently helped me into a wheelchair, and we somehow made it up and down a few times, albeit through tears, before getting back on the road. For this stop, though, I could use my walker and move that new knee joint. I walked, grunting and breathing deeply! And as I did, I began to hear a beautiful choir of birds chirping. It was like they all came to our side of the rest stop to cheer me on. I stopped walking, closed my eyes, and soaked in their beautiful melodies. It was a moment when God tapped on my heart and reminded me that He searched my heart to know me fully! He saw my pain, fear, determination, and confusion. He knew my sentiments! (If you’re slightly confused, jump back to Musing #8: Searched and Known.)

Verse three of Psalm 139 continues by saying that God knows our downsitting and uprising and understands our thoughts afar off. So in doing a little more Hebrew study, I found that the word “know” is the same one used in the verse before that gives the thought of a friend recognizing our hearts. What does it mean when David says God knows our downsitting and uprising? At first thought, maybe simply that He knows when we go to bed and when we get up? Which is true. He does. But it also carries a deeper concept. The word downsitting means to inhabit or dwell specifically as a judge in the quiet. Do you ever lay in bed at night and recount the activities and encounters of the day? Sending each of them through the sieve of right and wrong? Does your mind ever become a flurry of replayed events as you become your worst judge … especially in the silence of the night?

Hear me out here. I’m in no way saying that self-reflection is wrong. Self-reflection is good and mandated in Scripture. But how often does your self-reflection turn to self-condemnation? So often, as I reflect on my actions, I allow satan[1] to whisper words of criticism and faultfinding. Self-reflection should send us to the foot of the cross, asking for grace to change through repentance. It should not, however, lead us down a road of self-deprecation. For it is here that satan causes us to compare and belittle the very treasure of God – you and me! I think David is trying to convey here that God is there in those quiet moments where we stand as our judge and jury. Not only is He there, but He knows how our brains process those moments… as a friend who notices and distinguishes the innermost layer of our feelings and emotions.

As I continued delving into the meaning of this Psalm on that quiet night on the 8th floor of Mayo Clinic Hospital, I discovered that the word “uprising” meant “to come on to the scene, to persist, to rouse, to stir up, to become powerful.” Somehow this definition reverberated within me. Not only does God know when I’m my own judge in quiet but He also knows when I’m persistently rousing to come onto the scene of the life He has given me.

Living with chronic illness takes “grit and grace” to show up for daily life. I’m exhausted before the day dawns. I’ve fought constant pain through the night watches. My sleep has been fitful as I’ve struggled to find air to fill my lungs. The simple task of standing from bed can feel arduous. Then, once vertical, I somehow must find the mental and physical strength to walk. But by now, my pain is screaming. Debilitating fatigue has swept over my body. I stare blankly at the wall, wishing only to sink back into bed. I don’t want to show up to the scene of my life. I don’t have the desire to persist in my mission. I have no ambition to prove my worth.

If I’m brutely honest, I don’t always “enjoy” this mission I call life. It’s not what I planned. It’s not what I ordered. Return to sender, please. Inaccurate order details. I ordered life with a healthy body, surrounded by family and genuine friends, loving God and each other while leading nations to know Jesus Christ. I ordered a life free from authentic pain. Maybe a stubbed toe or a skinned knee. But no broken bones. Certainly not chronic “bad stuff.” I ordered life with all the benefits of knowing Christ in His suffering without the actual suffering part.

But ya know what? God sees my uprising, too. He sees my struggles. He knows how I grapple with showing up on the scene daily. What about you? Does the fulfillment of your life’s order feel like the kitchen errored and put the wrong entrée on your plate? Like someone in the Amazon warehouse fell asleep and sent you a completely wrong box of goods? Do you resist showing up on the scene of your life, too? I can’t be the only one!

“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”[2]

What an amazing thought that God knew, knows, and will always know our “uprising.” (My personal definition of uprising: The struggle within us to show up on the scene of our lives.) The term “show up” invokes purposefulness. It speaks of intentionality. It’s not just an aimless meandering through the day. Showing up to the scene of my life means I’ve prepared, geared up, and am ready! Ready to seize the day.

And why do I focus on intentionally showing up? Because the Lord searches me… knows me… and continues to seek me.

And that, my readers, is a knowledge too wonderful for me.

Until we cross paths again, may the Lord fill you with His grit and sustain you with His grace.

Sarah-Marie

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[1] Author purposefully omitted the capitalization of this personal pronoun. [2] 1 Corinthians 10:13