Peering ahead; gazing back
- Sarah-Marie
- Nov 29, 2023
- 11 min read
Updated: Nov 30, 2023
I’ve spent a lot of time traveling backward lately. You see, Lovie and I are on a 60-day RV trip with my parents. We’re traveling up the East Coast in Dad’s lovingly named RV “Cost-A-Plenty.” From Alabama to Florida, up through Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, and Tennessee! I’m savoring the cooler weather and enjoying seeing new sights through the eyes of my 4th grader!
My preferred traveling seat is leaning against the back of the passenger chair, sitting on the couch with my feet propped up. Aww, the life! While looking backward isn’t typically the best approach for those of us who get car sick, something about the RV space makes it work. Honestly, this “Cost-A-Plenty” life is the best way to travel – one should try it!
As I watched about 2200 miles pass backward by my window, the scenery changed from the flat farmlands and beachy white sands with the turquoise waters of the Panhandle … into the ups and downs and awe inspiriting views of the Great Smokies … and back to the flattened wetlands, palm trees, and deep blue waters of the Atlantic.
With a forward focus, I remember the past.
Peering ahead; gazing back.
As a culture, we’re often inundated with forgetting the past to move forward.
“The beautiful journey of today can only begin when we learn to let go of yesterday,” says behavioral scientist Steve Maraboli.
Charlie’s Angels actor, Lucy Liu, urges, “You can’t look back; you have to keep looking forward.”
Yet, Scripture gives a slightly difference approach. Psalms 105:5 challenges, “Remember the wonders He has done!” Isaiah says, “Remember the former things, those of long ago; I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me.”[1] Asaph, one of the chief musicians during the reign of King David, urges, “I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”[2]
Our past should give us a place of perspective as we look to the future. Willie Jolley counsels with the famous phrase, “The past is a place of reference, not a place of residence.”
With a forward focus, I remember the past.
Peering ahead; gazing back.
I’m struck with this concept of looking forward in hope while also peering behind at where I’ve been. Justice, my daughter’s blue-speckled English Budgie, has this incredible skill of turning his neck and looking backward while his feet are firmly planted forward! This is a skill my fused back just simply doesn’t allow. (Something about more than 16 inches of railroad track titanium rods and over 25 screws in my thoracic and lumber spine makes looking over my shoulder a bit of a challenge!) I often find Justice perching happily on his swing, looking over his shoulder at what’s behind him.
What’s behind you, my lovelies? Hard stories? Roads you’d rather forget? Relationships now gone? Dreams not realized? Mountain tops moments that no longer feel quite so high?
What if there is more in our past than we let ourselves remember? What are the glimmer moments that we’ve long since forgotten? Or maybe there are even more significant moments that we’ve put to bed, those “only God” moments that wowed us beyond comprehension at the time.
With a forward focus, I remember the past.
Peering ahead; gazing back.
What do I see when I look over my shoulder? Join me for a little 6-year journey…
October 7th, 2017:
I got a visit from my girls tonight in the hospital! Went for a walk around the floor … all except for Lovie, who “rode” my IV pole like a champ. Brought lots of smiles to all who passed.”
- Sarah-Marie, Photo Journal
December 10th, 2018:
“Our first night here at Mayo in Rochester did not go well. Sarah had an accident and twisted her knee, which brought on one of the nightmarish, uncontrolled pain episodes. It lasted for several hours. Through all the pain, fear, and desperate cries to Jesus, we were so thankful that Nozomi seemed to sleep right through it all, even though she was in the same room.
- Sherri, CaringBridge Journal
December 19th, 2018:
“We are back in surgery recovery with her now, so very grateful to the Lord for good outcomes! We just finished talking with the doctor. He was very pleased with what he was able to do.”
- Sherri, CaringBridge Journal – May Thurner’s iliac vein stent placement
January 1st, 2019:
“Sarah had a rough time last night but did better throughout the day. The Lord blessed us with an especially skilled and compassionate nurse today.”
- Sherri, CaringBridge Journal – Grandview hospitalization for iliac stent occlusion
January 16th, 2019:
“Pain beyond our ability to control. How we need Your mercy, Father...”
- Sherri, CaringBridge Journal
March 27th, 2019:
“So grateful for the days of relief Sarah has had in recent days, especially during the time Josh and Jamie were home, after this last hospital stay.”
- Sherri, CaringBridge Journal
May 21st, 2019:
“We will update more soon but wanted to share the happy news that this Mommy is home from the hospital! We had amazing nursing care for all 10 days. I was blessed by so many of them as they lovingly cared for me and worked to get me home quickly to see my girl.”
- Sarah-Marie, CaringBridge Journal - ICU hospitalization for asthma event
July 31st, 2019:
“Good morning...Sarah was admitted last night a little after 1 a.m. her time (Central) and is in ICU this morning still on the BiPap machine.”
- Jamie, CaringBridge Journal - ICU hospitalization for asthma event
August 15th, 2019:
“Now in recovery. A total of about 17 kidney stones. The most critical point of the process for Sarah will be when they take out the ET tube. That’s the time asthma trouble develops if it’s going to. That still hasn’t been done.”
- Jim, CaringBridge Journal
April 30th, 2020:
“Prayers are being answered, and thank you so much for lifting them along with us! She is up today and in much less pain than she’s been in the last few days. Praying it will continue!”
- Sherri, CaringBridge Journal
August 3rd, 2020:
“Prayers answered with an available appointment for Sarah with the neurosurgeon - 2pm tomorrow - and we are beyond grateful! Thank you for praying with us about this; we appreciate you standing with us over and over again… so very much!”
- Sherri, CaringBridge Journal
January 13th, 2021:
“Please pray God would spare her life. 125 of Solu-Medrol is not working. Have called for an air-lift into Sacred Heart in Pensacola.”
- Jim, CaringBridge Journal – Hospital admission for Covid-19
January 17th, 2021:
“Good news! Sarah is completely extubated‼️ Her nurse just called us and she’s asking for her daddy! He’s on his way right now. Oh, there are no words big enough, Lord, to thank You!”
- Sherri, CaringBridge Journal
January 22nd, 2021 at 2237:
“Covid recovery patient home! Rolling Sarah across the threshold of this home is a clinical-spiritual miracle. It is apparent her story has yet another chapter.”
- Jim, CaringBridge Journal
Lovie’s birthday is January 23rd. Since the day I had been moved to the Covid step-down unit, we had been begging the Lord that I would be home for her birthday. My Papa used to say that God is never late but rarely early. I spent January 22nd begging any technician, nurse, practitioner, or doctor who entered my isolation room to please let me be discharged! I explained over and over that my daughter’s birthday was the next day. Well after 2000, with little hope of a discharge in sight, a doctor poked his head in my door without being “geared up” for a visit and asked if I was okay. With a trembling voice and tears in my eyes, I begged him for a discharge that night. I told him that home health had already delivered my oxygen tank, I had my CPAP, I even had my discharge scripts, and a follow-up scheduled with my pulmonologist! With eyes wearier than I had seen in a long time, he said he couldn’t do a discharge exam because he needed to be in the ICU, but if he could find a CRNP to come in, he would sign the forms before leaving. I thanked him with my eyes, too full of emotion to speak. He closed the door and then reopened it. “And ‘Happy Birthday’ to your daughter. You know you shouldn’t be here right now? I watched you come into the ICU, and I just knew you were going to be another fatality that night. You were in bad shape. Your lungs were barely hanging on. You have way too many comorbidities. How you’re alive tonight, I’m not sure. I’m not a religious man. But I’m telling you, Sarah Henson, God is the only reason you are here. Your daughter got a miracle for her birthday!” I will never forget his words or the look of weariness and wonder in his eyes. With just 23 minutes to spare, my Dad wheeled me into our home for Lovie’s birthday. It’s one of her first big spiritual moments that she often retells when I ask her what God has done for her in the past.
March 12th, 2022:
“The infectious disease doctor was just by to give good news! He believes the bloodstream infection is resolving with the current antibiotic. Yet again, the Lord has allowed Sarah to begin to write another chapter in her journey of faith that was voiced as a 12- or 13-year-old girl. It was during those days, after she had accepted Christ, that she would close her prayers with, “Lord, give me the faith of Abraham. So, we put our faith in Jesus and ask for grace... “The will and ability to do in the Spirit what we cannot do in the flesh. Selah.”
- Jim, CaringBridge Journal – Grandview hospitalization for sepsis
April 10th, 2021:
“It is easing... Thank You, Lord Jesus!”
- Sherri, CaringBridge Journal
July 13th, 2021:
“Just left Sarah in the very capable and great hands of Mayo Clinic staff. Anticipate 6- to 7-hour surgery.”
- Jim, CaringBridge Journal - Initial spinal fusion surgery
September 16th, 2021:
“With everyone’s petitioning of the Lord, the pain subsided. (some different positioning and medication and His Hand) Thank you for interceding on behalf of Sarah.”
- Jim, CaringBridge Journal
October 30th, 2021:
“Sarah walked 125 ft today! Pain is better controlled!”
- Jim, CaringBridge Journal - Secondary spinal fusion surgery at Mayo Clinic
January 27th, 2022:
“We were able to take Sarah to the beach last evening and out shopping for a bit this morning.”
- Sherri, CaringBridge Journal
June 10th, 2022:
“She’s stable. Weary, but breathing. Again, thank you for every prayer lifted…”
- Sherri, CaringBridge Journal
June 24th, 2022:
“The surgery yesterday was successful with no complications. We’ve got some really superior nurses here that are on spot with pain control. Monday will mark the 27th day of being in the hospital.”
- Jim, CaringBridge Journal - Renal stone extraction surgery
July 8th, 2022:
“Amazing with anticipation... woke Sarah at 5 pm after 10-hours without narcotic meds. She was almost totally oriented, coordinated, and ate some supper.”
- Jim, CaringBridge Journal
July 12th, 2022:
Day forty-five of hospitalization for renal stones and secondary blood infection.
- Jim, CaringBridge Journal
July 13, 2022:
“I prayed Sunday evening with Sarah that the cultures and her blood would be sterile. I asked hundreds of people across this nation to pray that the infection would be gone upon reviewing the cultures at 48 hours. It was early Monday morning, as tears fell from my face, that I was reminded of a sermon from my pastor, the late Don Graham. I only remember two words from the sermon. The TEE study of yesterday showed no bacterial growth on Sarah's heart valves. The final 24-hour culture had no growth. This morning the physician told us that the 48-hour culture had no growth as well. The culture was sterile. Some might say the antibiotic and the antifungal medication worked as prescribed. Others might say the Lord used the medication to annihilate the bacteria and fungus. And yet others might say the medication had nothing to do with the solution and the Lord simply answered the prayers of many.
I believe the Lord uses Sarah's story to remind me, and all of you, that he still hears our prayers, our petitions, our deepest groanings, and within His sovereign will always answers.
Now, you say, “Jim, you forgot to tell us the two words of the sermon.” Friends, when life turns dark - and it will - remember as I was reminded Monday morning ... "But God!"
- Jim, CaringBridge Journal - Hospitalization for secondary blood infection
January 20th, 2023:
“Sarah has been given final approval for total right hip replacement at Mayo Clinic Hospital.”
- Jim, CaringBridge Journal
May 15th, 2023:
“Home on angel’s wings at 6:30 pm.”
- Jim, CaringBridge Journal
June 13th, 2023:
“I just spoke with the orthopedic surgeon. Sarah is moving to the recovery room now. The knee joint showed signs of collapse which justifies completely the current surgery and her persistent pain.”
- Jim, CaringBridge Journal - Knee replacement surgery at Mayo Clinic
August 14th, 2023:
“Sarah is still struggling. Continued prayers so very appreciated.”
- Sherri, CaringBridge Journal
August 22nd, 2023:
“Lovie took me out on a date this afternoon! CiCi’s Pizza, Arcade, and Hobby Lobby! Best date all around. (And thanks to our terrific Uber Driver, Jim!) I don’t think we’ve been out ‘just the two of us’ since I got sick. Still savoring the moments … the look of joy in her eyes, the giggles and shared laughs, the sweetness of having time together while knowing my RN was right around the corner, if I got into trouble. These are moments that make me fight through the hard ones. These are the glimmers in the midst of a life of triggers. ‘I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.’ Psalm 27:13
- Sarah-Marie, Facebook Post
September 6th, 2023:
“I went swimming for the first time in over five years!”
- Sarah-Marie, Photo Journal
October 7th, 2023:
“Sunset SeaYa stroll on the beach with Lovie. Amazing deep breaths filled with wonder!”
- Sarah-Marie, Photo Journal
October 22nd, 2023:
“Two days ago, Sarah fell and really did a number on her knee. It has now developed phlebitis. We would ask for your prayers for quick healing and no complications. Thank you so much.”
- Sherri, CaringBridge Post
October 31st, 2023:
“Decorating Nana’s little Christmas tree and sharing memories of her with Lovie. So grateful for a goodly heritage to pass down.”
- Sarah-Marie, Facebook Post
November 8th, 2023:
Spent the day at SkyLand Ranch enjoying the good ol’ fashion banjo strumming of Gary “Biscuit” Davis. Even got my special request for dueling banjos to Sweet Home Alabama. Haven’t jammed out and smiled so much in months!
- Sarah-Marie, Photo Journal
November 17th, 2023:
“Made old fashion rag dolls with Lovie at Island Farms in Manteo… at 0900! What a silver dollar to be up and out that early!”
- Sarah-Marie, Photo Journal
November 21st, 2023:
Learned about native shells and crustaceans of North Carolina at the Aquarium. Then Lovie and I got to make shell wreaths. I used a Horse Shoe Crab and Sea Skate egg casings. Lovie found the real thing on the beach a few days later! Way cool. Sweet class with just me, Lovie, and two teachers who made us feel so welcome.
- Sarah-Marie, Photo Journal
November 24th, 2023:
Acute asthma attack from hand-warming fire. Even through the mask. The parking lot turned into a mini-ER. Very scary for Lovie. Many tears. Terrible ending to glimmering moments.
- Sarah-Marie, Photo Journal
With a forward focus, I remember the past.
Peering ahead; gazing back.
Oh, my dear ones, I admit it’s so much easier to look back and see the trail of tears, the path of destruction, and the death of dreams. As I wrote the above words, it took much more work than I expected to remember the “goodness of the Lord In the land of the living.”[3]
But without the stability of knowing that He has taken care of me in the past, how do I face the unknown future? Without the proof that He hasn’t forsaken me before, how do I know I won’t be alone tomorrow?
I can’t let the hardness of my current story cause amnesia to His past goodness. Nor can I let the obstacles of the past blind me to the hope of the future.
With a forward focus, I remember the past.
Peering ahead; gazing back.
Maybe Bryant McGill doesn’t have it entirely right when he says, “Allow the road ahead of you to speak louder than the road behind you.” Maybe, just maybe, the road behind us should speak just as loud as the road ahead. Perhaps the confluence of gazing back and looking ahead equally sets us up for the best focus.
Until Next Time,
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