I'm Fine. Everything is fine!

Oh, hi there, my dears! Sorry to have put you on hold for so long. I’m going to interrupt our discussion of identity in Christ for a little heart-to-heart chat, if that’s okay with you!

As most of you know, I love Christmas. I agree with Edward and George[1] that it’s the most wonderful time of the year! As we were decorating our little house, my daughter brought me a pile of lights. I looked at her and said, “What happened? Aren’t these the new lights?” She nonchalantly replied, “Yeah,” with a shrug of her shoulders. I responded in song, “Oh no. Oh no! Oh no, no, no, no, no.”[2] I'll never know how she managed to tangle this fifty-light strand so quickly and with such quality workmanship. But I wasn’t about to sit there and try to untangle the blob. I mean, Walmart can send me another box for a mere $2.76. My sanity and time are worth that, for sure! I theatrically wadded up the strand even more tightly and tossed it into the trash with a triumphant thud.

Then I realized that wadded-up, tangled mess of lights was my life. We’ve all seen the “I’m fine. Everything’s fine!” memes, with a pile of tangled lights underneath. We laugh, nod in agreement, and keep scrolling.

But can I take a moment of your time and be bluntly honest? My life feels like that tangled blob of Christmas lights handed to me the other day. Except I can’t just toss my life and buy a new one for two dollars and change. So, I must take the time to detangle this mess. But I’ve just been glaring at it for the last month, moving it around from countertop to countertop in hopes that it will just magically untangle and become a beautiful strand of light in the darkness. Wanna know a secret? It hasn’t. And it won’t.

It’s the holiday season, and everything should be merry and bright! I even have a t-shirt that loudly proclaims, “Merry, Bright, and Blessed!” But, honestly, I don’t think the Director of my life’s play got the message. Life is hard.

Seven weeks ago, I had a total knee revision. I was sent home with loads of both IV and oral antibiotics. Each day at noon, I would hook myself up to two IV meds and let them drip into my veins through my medport. They made me itch, so we premedicated with Benadryl. They made me nauseous, so we also premedicated with Zofran. But the nausea got worse, and then the vomiting began. I finally waved a white flag last week and messaged my Mayo Infectious Disease team. “Ummm.  I don’t want to die from the infections or anything, but is there another option? Please say yes!?!” They acted quickly and adjusted my cocktail of meds and premeds. After 36-ish hours, the nausea let up. As I finally started feeling better, it was time for my monthly IViG infusion, which always leaves me feeling like I’ve been run over by an 18-wheeler. Or maybe a 24-wheeler, if there is such a thing! It was no fun. Then my Addison’s decided to remind me of its importance, making the 24-wheeler seem like a little moped. Oh, and I’m not able to bear weight on my knee yet, so movement is with the walker. Which is fine and dandy, but it puts much more pressure on my AVN shoulder, causing it to call for attention. And the normal list of daily struggles is still alive and well. Now, I could have simply said that life is tough right now, but I wanted you to get a better picture. Or maybe I just needed a therapy session to acknowledge it all to myself! Either way, it’s been a roller-coaster ride.

I want to be all thankful, and grateful, and blessed. But I honestly feel a bit disappointed, ungrateful, and abandoned. I don’t want to be brave anymore. I don’t want to be strong. I’m tired of being a warrior. I’m weary of watching the train of life speed past me with loved ones whizzing out of sight. I’m all outta fight. Again.

Yet, within these last weeks, we’ve had several super special family events where I got out of the house and enjoyed quality time with my parents and daughter – taking in some local sights and sounds! We cruised the harbor while watching the Blue Angels do magic in the air. I discovered a new favorite singing group and enjoyed their Broadway hits concert! And just this weekend, we saw a play version of The Best Christmas Pageant Ever in our little Gulf Shores Theater. It hasn’t been all disaster and doom!

I even got a special visit from my Denver brother, who is hands down the best empathetic listener I know! Despite knowing his strong aversion to the sounds of vomiting, he stood by my side, massaging my shoulders as dry heave after dry heave rattled my body. He said nothing. He was simply there. He gave me the greatest gift that can be given – the gift of presence.

And then there’s this beautiful Christmas tree in the middle of my living room. The lights aren’t nicely tucked and hidden in the boughs. The ornaments only go as high as Lovie can reach! It bears no star or angel at the top. A crumpled tree skirt attempts to hide the metal base. But to my eyes, it’s the prettiest tree in the country!

So, does this post have a point? I’m honestly not sure yet, as I pen these words. It’s a work in progress. Ideally, it will resonate with my readers and send goosebumps down their spines as they witness an authentic Christian struggle through my hen-scratch. Practically, I’m just attempting to untangle the wad of lights my life seems to be. And I thought I’d bring you along for the journey – just in case you might feel a bit tangled and wadded, too.

‘Cause life is messy. And it doesn’t always get the memo that it’s almost December when everything turns “perfect” for the month. Often, my greatest physical stressors have been on or around the holidays. My adult memories are of perfectly tangled lights! And this year is just the same.

But I think that’s okay. I think it’s okay to plan on a dōlightful Thanksgiving, followed by an even “dōlightfuler” Christmas.

(What is dōlightful? It’s a word I coined to capture the essence of living a life that is both hard and good. Officially, it’s defined as: A state of being that gracefully embraces the tension of a life both deeply doleful and decidedly delightful, simultaneously woven by God into a narrative tapestry of beauty.)

For me, the Holiday Season 2024 theme is: “Are you tired? Worn out? Come to Me. Get away with Me, and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest.”[3]

This year, the medical toll has been high. Since February, I have daily fought a menacing brain infection. Every three months, I spend an hour with Mr. MRI to make sure the infection hasn’t grown or spread. I’ve also had three major surgeries. I’ve been hospitalized for almost two full months. 2024 has left its mark. And I’m tired and worn out.

So tired, I’ve often prayed, “Lord, I don’t have the thought capacity or physical energy to ask for Your help. I don’t know what I need. So I trust that Romans 8:26 is true. Jesus, I’m asking You to intercede on my behalf. “Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of wordless sighs, our aching groans.”[4]

Maybe this isn’t the holiday cheer you were expecting. Perhaps you’re even a bit put off by my perceived grumbling. If so, I encourage you to open your eyes to the pain (and joy) around you. Look around for someone who might be struggling this season. Give the gift of your presence. Not your advice. Not your opinion. Not even your cousin’s aunt’s story that’s so like theirs. Just be there.

My body hurts. My heart is sad. But as I sit within the bounds of sadness and hurt, there is a tree glistening with lights. My life may be a balled-up, matted, tangled mess of tiny bulbs and green wire. But when I plug myself into Jesus, my lights still come on. So maybe the meme is true. “I’m fine.  Everything is fine!” I’m joyfully enjoying the magic of the season while letting the tears fall because this act of the play is really hard.

Thanks for coming on this little journey with me as I try to detangle this dōlightful life! If you need me, I’ll be in my recliner, listening to Voctave’s Christmas album, staring at my brightly lit tree, while hooked up to an ice machine to numb my knee and an IV of medications to keep me alive. I’ll be randomly ping-ponging from heartbreak too strong for tears to joy that causes wheezing from laughing too long! I’ll still be here. But maybe with fewer words. As I detangle the emotions of this year. As I finally give up on some expectations of people and events and look to the Lord for His plan. As I prayerfully plan a new year and expectantly look to see God’s goodness “in the land of the living.”[5]

[1] [1] “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” written by Edward Pole and George Wyle, 1963

[2] [2] Oh No by Cappone

[3] Matthew 11:28 The Message

[4] Romans 8:26 The Message

[5] Psalm 27:14 KJV