Forget the Over and Done, Paul?

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Ever find yourself living in the “over and done” instead of the “here and now”? The grass always seems greener when we look through the rearview mirror, doesn’t it?! I find it hard to echo Paul’s words to the Philippians, “Brothers … But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Forget the “over and done”, Paul? Strain forward to the “will be”? But strain and press on with what energy? I can’t get out of bed half the time. And you want me to strain forward and press upward? It’s about right now that I toss my Bible across the room and throw up my hands in frustration, denial, and surrender. (Mentally, of course, because I don’t have the physical energy to move. I’m done for.) I liked my “over and done” life. Though I’m sure I’m quick to forget the daily struggles of the past and only see the “shiny glamour” of what was good. So how do I look forward to the future when the present is so glum?

Ever heard the little story where you walk into the kitchen and open the refrigerator for a snack? You look at all the “offerings” on each shelf, but nothing looks satisfying. So, you close the fridge. But a few minutes later, you’re reminded that you want a snack. So, you return to the kitchen, reopen the refrigerator door, lower your standards on the word “satisfying” and make your choice. I kinda feel like I’ve done that with my future. I had all these dreams for how I would raise my child, what ministries I would start or be involved in, what my career would look like, how my friendships would unfold, and the holidays where my family would flood my house with laughter and joy. Then I got sick. So, I returned to the drawing board, lowered those dream standards, and devised a new life plan. I thought the Lord was behind it, but another diagnosis rocked my world. So I lowered my standards and tried again. Then another hospital stay sent me lurching. And I lowered my standards yet again. And now? Wanna know what my life plan looks like? “SURVIVE. DO NOT DIE!” That’s me, Paul. Straining forward to the future!

But then there’s this still small voice that asks, “Was it really a lowering of your standards? Or was it a matter of adjusting your will to Mine? You have prayed to know me in whole and not in part. I have chosen to answer your prayers with health challenges. This was My plan all along. I haven’t lowed My standards for your life. Do you trust Me?”

Mic Drop. Silence. (Or as my daughter often says when I don’t respond to her fast enough, “crickets? hello?”) I got nothing, Lord. No witty comeback. Just a heart that sits silently before your throne with a mind whirling.

I don’t know what has happened in your life that has caused you to re-adjust your life plan. It happens to all of us. But it always feels more extreme in our own life. Maybe your “in the blink of an eye” is physical? Maybe a mental health struggle? Maybe your cash flow is flowing to a stop and payday’s rainfall isn’t in sight? Maybe it’s so private and personal that you can’t share your “here and now” with anyone. Do you, like me, find living in the “here and now” hard while straining forward to the future with hope?

Do you ever find yourself questioning the truth of Jerimiah 29:11; “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope.” Hope for the future? My life has fallen apart, and yet God says He has a hopeful future for me? To be honest, this verse has often caused me much angst. Did this verse apply to me five years ago? Is my life right now my future filled with hope? 'Cause there are days when I’m still searching for that hope. Still desperately seeking a future that isn’t harmful. Where is my hopeful future without harm, Lord?

Jim Elliot once said, “Wherever you are – be all there.” But most days, to be honest, I don’t want to be all here. I want to be all in the grassy green fields of the past. My friend, while our emotions may not always agree, there is hope in the “here and now” as we plan for how to bring glory to the Lord in the future. “Brothers … But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”

It’s been nearly five years since my life changed in the blink of an eye and my “over and done” sailed off into the distance. It’s a moment in time that is frozen in my memory. Every little detail - from the size of the corner room filled with windows overlooking my city, to what I had open on my phone, the nurses that were paged, the FaceTime conversation I had with my parents, and ultimately, the final diagnosis almost 12 weeks later. But it all started in just a blink of an eye. Shooting pain through my knee caused me to buckle down and fall toward the hospital bed. I tried just to walk it off but the more I walked, the worse it became. I was waiting on discharge papers after a multiday stay for my brittle asthma. It was a unique hospital stay in several ways. One, I had just gone in to see my pulmonologist for an office visit and ended up being admitted to the pulmonary floor which would become my second home. Second, I had been alone during this admission since both of my parents were sick. It had been a physical and emotional whirlwind trying to take care of myself while hospitalized and ensure my three girls (two foreign exchange students) were housed safely. And now this shooting knee pain? Lord, where are You? What is going on? I sat sideways on the hospital bed, dressed and ready to leave just a few minutes earlier.

And so my “here and now” began. At that moment, I had no idea what lay ahead of me. Which is probably the mercy of our loving Father. If I had seen the road I was about to walk down, I’m sure I would have just given up before starting.

There’s a lot that has happened in the last five years. And throughout the next posts, I hope to share with you more of my life journey with the Lord. But here I am five long years later. And I still look back to the “over and done”. Have I fully accepted the realities of the “here and now”? I’m not sure, honestly. I think I spent the first 3 ½ years waiting and hoping that life would get “back to normal”. Almost in denial that this was real. Then, for the next 1 ½ years, I tried to accept this new “normal” life plan. But most days, I honestly feel like I’m failing. I often try to make life fit into the “over and done” mold, feeling like I’m lowering my standards. But that still small voice whispers deep in my heart, “You’re not lowering your standards. You’re adjusting your life plan to Mine. I can be trusted. This “one thing” I ask of you.

So, my dear LITBOAE[1] Community… let us earnestly push forward, learning to be satisfied with what we have and whatever happens in this life. We too often think in the big and the bold. Yet sometimes, it’s a tiny life plan that God turns mighty.

As I wrote this blog, my prayer for you and me is … “Lord, help us trust You when You call us to the big and bold life plans and give us the grace to adjust our emotions and perspective when we feel like we are lowering our standards to tiny life plans. Fill us with unspeakable joy in adjusting to Your will.

[1] LITBOAE = Life In The Blink Of An Eye (Pronounced: lit-beau-uh)